who is that girl i see

Reflection
by Christina Aguilera

Look at me
You may think you see
Who I really am
But you'll never know me
Every day
It's as if I play a part
Now I see
If I wear a mask
I can fool the world
But I cannot fool my heart

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

I am now
In a world where I
Have to hide my heart
And what I believe in
But somehow
I will show the world
What's inside my heart
And be loved for who I am

Who is that girl I see
Staring straight back at me?
Why is my reflection
Someone I don't know?
Must I pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

There's a heart that must be
Free to fly
That burns with a need to know
The reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think, how we feel?
Must there be a secret me
I'm forced to hide?
I won't pretend that I'm
Someone else for all time
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

for the zillionth time, med course is seriously killing me. i thought i was prepared for everything, that all i need was passion and i'll be motivated, but i was wrong! i'm the first among my close friends to study med so i didnt have anyone to prepare me or anything. i mean, sure my sis are doing med too, but somehow, it never occurred to me to ask them about it. i guess i was cocky. i believed i could take anything thrown my way. boy, was i wrong.

maybe i was intimidated right from transition camp. i dont know. it's like, suddenly im surrounded by all these smart ass ppl. it's kind of like spore again, but this is worse. first week was all right, but im not used to lectures. when a lecturer asks a qn, im too afraid to answer after hearing the others' opinions. it's not like i dont try, there's just too many ppl waving their hands. -.- gosh, it's like being with a bunch of hermiones.

over time, i pretty much faded into the background. i stop using my brain and start relying on others for answers. i mean, after a while, u just feel like, wat's the point? someone's just gonna shout out the answer anyway, and it's not like they'll hear u if u do. and u'll probably get it wrong. pcl this sem's been much better, i have more courage to speak up. probably cos vijay doesnt do so much of that now.

anyway. after a while, i kind of lost my motivation to study. i'm so used to being at the top (not to brag or anything) that im not used to being below average. the more i think about it, the more stressed i get, and the more i cant seem to absorb info. it's like a vicious cycle of depression that i cant break through until it stops spinning, at least for a second.

and then there's my social life that's diminishing rapidly. what with the amount of time i spend in classes and at home studying, i barely hang out with my friends anymore. i only meet the ttdi ppl like once a month and ex-sam ppl about once in a few months. and when we do meet, it's so weird. i feel like i dont know how to talk to them anymore cos i havent seen them for so long. and there's like nothing interesting to talk about my life because i spend so much time studying, and who wants to listen to my same old boring complaints about work? the only ppl i hang around with nowadays are my coursemates. and even then, the only things we talk about are work, lecturers, work, other coursemates, work and occasionally our past. it feels like we've been stranded on an island and isolated from the rest of civilisation for too long. suddenly there's all these new people and things that seem to pop out of nowhere during our absence. it's like, time stopped for us but went on for everybody else. we're still stuck in the past while the others moved on.

okay, i dont know about other ppl, but that's the way i see it.

that pretty much summed up most of the things that have been bothering me since late feb. sigh.

so if u've managed to reach this far, congratulations. i think it's the longest post ive ever written in a while and it feels so good to let it all out. almost forgot how good it is to blog. i miss the old me in taylors. the one who wasnt afraid to speak up in class and was cheerful every day. it feels like im so depressed and too serious lately that when im happy, it's only momentary and superficial.

gosh, im so emo.

cant wait for the holidays.